“The beginning is the most important part of the work.” ~Plato
It’s 2015, and this is the year that I have decided to take a very personal journey, a journey to the center of myself. The people who I suspect are reading this, are people I know and for those of you that know me, and for those of you that don’t, I have not done the best job living a transparent life. Most of you probably have an assumption that I am happy, that life is good, and that I carry on with little to no complaint. Those of you that know me more intimately, know that I suffer from a plethora of worry. I worry about pretty much everything you could imagine. These worries do not make me unique, I am sure many of you worry about the exact same things! I worry about my job, money, love…the thing is all of these worries for me, have nit picky little sub categories, and I over analyze them to the point of paralysis. Paralysis by analysis as my brother Jason referred to it. And he’s absolutely right. I analyze things to a point of indecision, where I come up with so many different options and scenarios that I paralyze myself from ever deciding on anything. So I have lived my adult life in a constant battle with myself. Which has its own level of hilarity because neither myself, nor myself ever wins an argument.
My good friend Mark suggested to me recently that I read a book to help me with my growing affliction, a book called, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, By Dale Carnegie. Some of you may have heard of him, if you are like me though and have never picked up a self-help book in your life, then you have not. Either way, it doesn’t matter, what matters is that I am on a journey with Mr. Carnegie, and a journey with myself, and I would like to share with you my lessons as I go.
I am about half way through the book now after only a few short days; and during these few short days I have been writing frantically. Writing about what Mr. Carnegie teaches, going through the “steps” to overcoming my worrisome nature. A daunting task when looking at it all at once, but the first three steps to combatting worry as Dale Carnegie suggests are as follows:
1. Whats the worst that could happen?
2. If the worst happens reconcile yourself into accepting it!
3. Improve the worst case scenario, because you have already accepted it mentally in step two.
Ok, how many of you think this is ridiculous? I certainly rolled my eyes once or twice, however I wrote down my top three worries anyway; career, money, and love. I even wrote down some of those nit picky subcategories for added good measure.
Step one; I wrote down the worst possible things that could happen. I’m unemployed, sucks. I’m broke, also sucks. Nobody ever loves me except for my mother, not only does that suck, its kind of pathetic.
Alright step two; accept it….you want me to accept an unemployed, broke, loveless life…if I must, ok Dale, I have now accepted the worst.
Step three; well, if I happen to lose my job, I’ll get another one. Will it be as great as the one I have now, maybe, maybe not. I tell myself I will probably end up as a waitress again, but that isn’t so terrible is it? I worked for about four hours a day, always had money in my pocket, and I never ever ever had to take the worries of the office home with me. Alright, I tell myself, I can live with this.
Money, I have never once been destitute, on my ass, homeless, starving or otherwise. Why is this on my worry list again? Because everyone worries about money, and if I am so concerned with it, I get a second job, and a third job if I have to! But I won’t have to, because I am quickly realizing that my quality of life is far better than the money I have in my pocket, or thus don’t have. Improving further still!
Love: Hmmmm Love. I’ve recently started “seeing” someone, for now I won’t name him, poor guy, who wants to be associated with a neurotic disaster anyway? He’s great though, and I’m exceptionally hopeful for the future. What if he breaks my heart though, what IF he breaks my heart. I am quickly reminded about my previous catastrophically failed relationship and I begin to WORRY about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. Alright Dale, where are you for this one? Step one, whats the worst that could possibly happen? He could magically turn into my ex and fuck me up beyond all reasonable doubt. Hm, heavy. Step two, well, I have already been through what I perceive to have been the worst possible scenario, and I didn’t die, I survived. For any of us that have been through a bad break up, those gut wrenching, agonizing break ups, we think we will die, but we don’t, we live and life goes on. Step three, well Lex (I tell myself less shaky from three sentences ago), you’ve already been through the worst and guess what, you are still here, living. So let it go. Move on and see where the road leads and anything that happens or doesn’t happen, it will all happen regardless of if you worry or not.
Alright, phase one of my new “I refuse to worry today” mantra, complete! Who thinks I’m crazy? Who thinks I’m on to something? To be honest with everyone, and to be honest with myself, I am afraid to write all of this. I am afraid to be this transparent. I am afraid to let everyone in, and let everyone know that I am fragile…but it is necessary. For me. Either way, if you read this blog or don’t read this blog I will continue it. I will continue it for the sanctity of my well-being, and to hold MYSELF accountable, because that’s what really matters. If anyone at all happens to find value in this, even if the only person is me, it will have mattered. I do not know where this will ultimately lead, but I sincerely hope, whoever you are, that you stay with me.
It is the beginning. The hardest part.
Great job! I’m so excited for you!
LikeLike